Today I head to my stepdaughters house to meet up with the our children to celebrate my 49th birthday with them.
It's been 2 wonderful days of being pampered. It had been 8 months since I was away from Patrick, but that was to see my longest childhood friend before she died. It's the first time in 15 months it was about relaxing.
It definitely reenergized me, but it also did something else. I realized I didn't miss my husband. I didn't even open up the messages on the updates my stepdaughter was sending. It's that terrible?
I felt a huge sense of detachment. I'm being brutally honest. Numb.
I'm not sure what that's about. With such decline this last 2 years, am I in self preservation mode? Is this part of feeling like a widow with your spouse still alive? That weird grieving we experience that others can't understand, unless they walk it. I'm sure that will startle some, it did me.
I'm not sure what to feel about not feeling anything this morning.
The verbal abuse and his frustrations have been at a high. It doesn't matter that it's the disease causing this behavior, I still endure it without the ability to argue back. It's like fighting a nuclear war using sticks and stones. Am I shell shocked?
I have learned to recognize when at random moments he doesn't recognize me. Those episodes are happening more and more.
Before our trip to Florida a few months back, I had my first ever panic attack. I have had anxiety. But this was beyond that. I got sick, felt like I was having a heart attack, sweating, tears, it was terrible.
We had to leave to the airport. I wanted a hug so bad. I was crying and Patrick was so confused. I told him I just needed to be held for a moment.
In the past, I would have never even had to say a word. He would just know. He would give me the best hugs I had ever had in my life. I always told him that too. He wouldn't pull away. He would stand there, as long as I needed and hold me until I felt better. It was one of my favorite things about our marriage, about him. He knew how to comfort me.
There I was in my first panic attack and I'm having to ask him to stand up, then I placed his arms around my waist and leaned into him. He didn't do his normal squeeze. It was more of a pat on my back, then he let go. I leaned in and said, " I just need you to hug me for a long time". He did, but that natural instinct of how to comfort me was completely gone. That mistress, Younger Alzheimer's had stolen that. I threw up some more, and had to manage that moment without him.
Friday while I was experiencing my Queen for the day spa package, I was extremely aware of the human touch. If you have met me personally, you know I big on hugging. It's such a beautiful way of transferring the energy I feel for people as well as receiving it back. The human touch is so important.
Every treatment I had done, some type of massage was part of it.
It's crazy how I suddenly realized how much I miss. How a massage could remind me how much #EarlyOnsetAlzheimer has taken.
Would you all do me a favor. Would you hug your loved ones a little bit harder and a little bit longer for not just me, but for all the families suffering from this disease.
It's been 2 wonderful days of being pampered. It had been 8 months since I was away from Patrick, but that was to see my longest childhood friend before she died. It's the first time in 15 months it was about relaxing.
It definitely reenergized me, but it also did something else. I realized I didn't miss my husband. I didn't even open up the messages on the updates my stepdaughter was sending. It's that terrible?
I felt a huge sense of detachment. I'm being brutally honest. Numb.
I'm not sure what that's about. With such decline this last 2 years, am I in self preservation mode? Is this part of feeling like a widow with your spouse still alive? That weird grieving we experience that others can't understand, unless they walk it. I'm sure that will startle some, it did me.
I'm not sure what to feel about not feeling anything this morning.
The verbal abuse and his frustrations have been at a high. It doesn't matter that it's the disease causing this behavior, I still endure it without the ability to argue back. It's like fighting a nuclear war using sticks and stones. Am I shell shocked?
I have learned to recognize when at random moments he doesn't recognize me. Those episodes are happening more and more.
Before our trip to Florida a few months back, I had my first ever panic attack. I have had anxiety. But this was beyond that. I got sick, felt like I was having a heart attack, sweating, tears, it was terrible.
We had to leave to the airport. I wanted a hug so bad. I was crying and Patrick was so confused. I told him I just needed to be held for a moment.
In the past, I would have never even had to say a word. He would just know. He would give me the best hugs I had ever had in my life. I always told him that too. He wouldn't pull away. He would stand there, as long as I needed and hold me until I felt better. It was one of my favorite things about our marriage, about him. He knew how to comfort me.
There I was in my first panic attack and I'm having to ask him to stand up, then I placed his arms around my waist and leaned into him. He didn't do his normal squeeze. It was more of a pat on my back, then he let go. I leaned in and said, " I just need you to hug me for a long time". He did, but that natural instinct of how to comfort me was completely gone. That mistress, Younger Alzheimer's had stolen that. I threw up some more, and had to manage that moment without him.
Friday while I was experiencing my Queen for the day spa package, I was extremely aware of the human touch. If you have met me personally, you know I big on hugging. It's such a beautiful way of transferring the energy I feel for people as well as receiving it back. The human touch is so important.
Every treatment I had done, some type of massage was part of it.
It's crazy how I suddenly realized how much I miss. How a massage could remind me how much #EarlyOnsetAlzheimer has taken.
Would you all do me a favor. Would you hug your loved ones a little bit harder and a little bit longer for not just me, but for all the families suffering from this disease.
This is us on the plane about 2 hours after the panic attack.
#WeWalkThisTogether #EarlyOnsetAlzheimer #YoungerAlzheimer #Alzheimer #Alz #EOALZ
Carlene, you are such an inspiration to me. I love your honesty and heart felt posts. I get the whole "Numb" part. The entire grieving we do while they are still with us in so hard. At some point we have to self preserve. Do not be too hard on yourself. I thnk thse of us that live it, totally get it. I a so glad you got to get away.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. #WeWalkThisTogether
DeleteI love that you had time to yourself. I completely understand with lots of love everything you stated. It is your time and your birthday and you were gifted with precious memories made for just you! Just you! I’m so happy you were able to enjoy and I do believe it is self preservation along with many deep inner needs being fulfilled during your two days. The touch is what I miss. So it makes sense you became completely aware of the sensation of touch during your spa day. This disease takes away so much of our husbands and replaces it sometimes with unthinkable behavior for them and their personalities that once were. The mistress is a very fitting name for this disease. You’ve created the perfect analogy. I’m so thankful for your respite. I pray you will be able to draw on those memories when times get tough again as you know they certainly will. You have such a light that shines from the depth of your soul. Your strength is amazing. Keep going.... you’ve got this by the tail, now throw it over your shoulder and march on!!!! I love you girl!
ReplyDelete#WeWalkThisTogether
Well said. I love you too. #WeWalkThisTogether
DeleteHi sweet sister I know that I cannot relate to what you're going through in the sense of this disease but I just want you to know Carlene God has gifted you with such excellence in so many levels of beauty and detail.. I stand with you as your sister praying that out of this can come some thing profound through only the power of our faithful Lord. In my mind I would imagine that Heaven is the place of resting longing, that your handsome husband and you will be able to eternally love one another in our fathers perfect love. I stand side by side with you honey..praying a comfort and strength that encompasses you. Love you always ♥️
ReplyDeleteThank you so much my friend. I love you too.
ReplyDeleteI know I am far away and cannot fathom what you are going through, but know that I am praying for you and Mr. Patrick. And I would Hug you for as long as you need me too. I love you so much dear friend. Jenn
ReplyDelete