Monday I experienced, the emotions of actually believing my husband had died in front of me. As I ran into the house to search for my cell phone, running back out as I fumbled to dial 911, in my mind, Patrick was gone. As I tried to remain calm I was talking to first responders answering questions and holding my husband's face, looking into his eyes, not seeing him, see me. It was a feeling I just can't describe. There is not a word, it's not even every word in every language that has ever been spoken, it is that indescribable.
I got a glimps of what it felt like to lose my husband. So much flashed before me.
I was transferred to 911 operators, which I did not realize when I call 911, it goes local to our volunteer first responders, which is great, because they got there first.
So I start my conversation over but this time,Patrick starts making sounds. He is yellow/greenish, sweating profusely and gurgling, still eyes open, not blinking nor responding to me.
I thought he was having a heart attack. Patrick had complained a few hours before hand that he felt shorteness of breath. He came out to where I was doing yard work and said he just didn't feel right. He had also been sick the night before.
Then the feeling of the most horrific helplessness came over me. There was absolutely nothing I could physically do to make this stop, I prayed but praying did not take away the feeling of helplessness I was experiencing, now thinking, OH My God he is alive and he is dying in front of me and I can't stop this! I felt those emotions.
As terrible and terrifying as it was to experience the real emotions, not the pill of perception but a dose of reality, that pain has purpose.
This experience has been a gift.
My experience with this has given me a deeper understanding, one that cannot be understood by perception, but by only those whom have walked it. With this understanding, my heart will be provied the words others may need. With this experience, I have a deeper understanding of my own emotions, because my heart will be somewhat familiar with the feelings, one can't describe.
Nobody can control what happens in life, we can only control our response to it.
#EarlyOnsetAlzheimer is in control of our lives, it decides what is next but it lacks the power to control how I respond! I can't fight #Alzheimers but I can use it to be a better wife, caregiver, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I can use it to make a difference. It will not make me bitter, it will make me better.
#WeWalkThisTogether
#EOA
#YoungerAlzheimer
I got a glimps of what it felt like to lose my husband. So much flashed before me.
I was transferred to 911 operators, which I did not realize when I call 911, it goes local to our volunteer first responders, which is great, because they got there first.
So I start my conversation over but this time,Patrick starts making sounds. He is yellow/greenish, sweating profusely and gurgling, still eyes open, not blinking nor responding to me.
I thought he was having a heart attack. Patrick had complained a few hours before hand that he felt shorteness of breath. He came out to where I was doing yard work and said he just didn't feel right. He had also been sick the night before.
Then the feeling of the most horrific helplessness came over me. There was absolutely nothing I could physically do to make this stop, I prayed but praying did not take away the feeling of helplessness I was experiencing, now thinking, OH My God he is alive and he is dying in front of me and I can't stop this! I felt those emotions.
As terrible and terrifying as it was to experience the real emotions, not the pill of perception but a dose of reality, that pain has purpose.
This experience has been a gift.
My experience with this has given me a deeper understanding, one that cannot be understood by perception, but by only those whom have walked it. With this understanding, my heart will be provied the words others may need. With this experience, I have a deeper understanding of my own emotions, because my heart will be somewhat familiar with the feelings, one can't describe.
Nobody can control what happens in life, we can only control our response to it.
#EarlyOnsetAlzheimer is in control of our lives, it decides what is next but it lacks the power to control how I respond! I can't fight #Alzheimers but I can use it to be a better wife, caregiver, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I can use it to make a difference. It will not make me bitter, it will make me better.
#WeWalkThisTogether
#EOA
#YoungerAlzheimer
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