What do you say to someone who absolutely doesn't want to leave this world, leave behind everything that is dear to their heart as they, with tears, apologize to you for dying?
I simply broke with him. I told him it is I who needs to apologize for not being the best wife he deserved.
We can't control Early onset/Younger Alzheimer's, and I am the only one who has control of how I respond. I have a chance to love him, through sickness and in health, till death do us part. I promised him I would be there ever step of the way, I would not leave his side. He was scared and I felt him break with tears . I held him and I reached for every prayer, every positive thought and every ray of light you have all sent our way and asked for every ounce of that energy be sent directly into Patrick's heart. Give him peace. Give me the words to comfort him.
I hate that out of all of the things in this world he will forget, he has not forgotten everything Younger Alzheimers has and will continue to rob him of. Today he turns 58.
Alzheimer's is known as #TheLongestGoodbye it is a curse and it is a blessing. We have a chance to say goodbye, to fix our wrongs and have no regrets, so many others do not.
Our nephew was tragically hit and killed on his motorcycle, one October night. In an instant, he and those left behind were robbed of everything, including a chance to say goodbye and look back without regret. My husband and I talked about this. We had just visited his grave a few days back.
I told Patrick that it is so sad that, in order to feel better about our situation, we are shown others and we try to think they have it worse, and want to find comfort in that...although I actually don't feel comfort at all, just more heavy in my heart if I dwell on it long enough. Like I say, the pill of perception is easily swallowed.....it's a dose of reality we tend to choke on. The reality is the life we are living.
I can't stop what is happening. I can just be there for my husband and I can boldly ask for you all, to be there for us.
I do not feel alone. This is important for anyone, especially during something so difficult as this walk to feel. But it wasn't always like this. Y'all see me break. But I get back up, pull the pieces of my heart together and carry on.
I have tried so many times to word, in my journal to share a moment that changed so much for me.
After the hospital, I saw a picture from social media. It was not so much of who was in the picture, but who was not, my husband.
I was hurt for him. That night I did not sleep a wink. I couldn't get seeing my husband the way I found him and all that I felt out of my mind, thinking I lost him. All of my imperfections and shame for having them flooded me, becauseall I felt I was not good enough for this beautiful man. All the things I wish I said, should have said or did or didn't do, ran through my heart.
He has been my other 1/2 for over 20 years. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you are about to die. I got a glimps of what it feels like to have a part of my life die, followed by the emotions of getting it back. I don't want to loose him. I can't control that. I don't want to regret anything, this I can control.
I felt so overwhelmed with what lay ahead and what was before me. I started thinking about that picture I saw, my husband not in that picture and the hurt turned to anger. My emotions were not in check. I wanted everyone to be there for him, to be there for me, but they were not. I didn't know how to stop focusing on who wasn't there for us.
So I turned to God. I needed Him to show me through His eyes.
The next morning I got a message from a friend, but it was more than that. This is her message:
Hey beautiful friend….
I so wish I would have still been there with you when you found Patrick unconscious. What a scare!
It was such a wonderful time to be there with you. Your ‘vision’ progressing and coming to reality is so inspiring, as is your creativity.
Thank You so much for sharing your ideas about my flight attendant persona. I may have to have you record some of that for me…. So fun. You are gifted, girl!
I left my boots in the truck 😳
I forgot eggs 😢
I forgot soap 🌊
I’m enjoying the Cosby book 👍🏼
I’ve come full circle, from Emory, to Houston, to Ledbetter, to Granbury, home last night.
So many people are asking what you need and how they can help. Maybe make a list of everything you can think of, from prayers to building new fences…. Throw it out there. I wish I had helped you more, with cleaning the workshop or something. We had fun just chillin’ on the porch, but I would be happy to get my hands dirty and use some muscles. I’m stronger than I look, lol.
I love you. I’m grateful for you. I’m here for you.
Smiles, Charla 🤠
Now, don't get me wrong. Friends and some of our family have offered to help and have (see pictures), but remember that picture I was angry about. What I fouced on. Suddenly my heart shifted.
What I was shown in my heart was that in my mind, they were staying away from us and it made me angry, But remember the pill of perception versus a dose of reality, Through Love He showed me the reality.
They are NOT staying away, He is Keeping them away!
I was not being hurt, I WAS being helped.
In an instant I saw the faces of every Friend and family member who have reached out and yes, I even felt the love of those who silently think of us with nothing but love, who have not said a word, but keep us in their hearts. ( yes I felt you 💜). I was gifted with the true understanding and gratitude, that,
It's about the people that are there for you, not about the ones you wish were.
What a burden to lay at the foot of this mountain and be able to use it as a stepping stone.
Caring for my husband hasn't made me stronger. It has made me wiser. The mountain I am climbing will take a lot of tools to reach the top. It will take friends, family, prayers and encouragement.
As I look up, I see nothing but hands, ready to reach out and pull us up, not because our circumstances have changed, nor those that have disappointed me, but because God has given me the heart to see it through His eyes, to see those that are there, not those that are not.
#WeWalkThisTogether and I will forever be grateful for those that think of us and are there for us, Holding my hand, helping, praying and sending nothing but love and light.
Carlene
#EarlyOnsetYoungAlzheimers
#EarlyOnsetAlzheimer #YoungerAlzheimer #Alzheimer #Alz
Patrick and his cousins who came out to help finish this for us. The pier that has sat unfinished for the last year.
I simply broke with him. I told him it is I who needs to apologize for not being the best wife he deserved.
We can't control Early onset/Younger Alzheimer's, and I am the only one who has control of how I respond. I have a chance to love him, through sickness and in health, till death do us part. I promised him I would be there ever step of the way, I would not leave his side. He was scared and I felt him break with tears . I held him and I reached for every prayer, every positive thought and every ray of light you have all sent our way and asked for every ounce of that energy be sent directly into Patrick's heart. Give him peace. Give me the words to comfort him.
I hate that out of all of the things in this world he will forget, he has not forgotten everything Younger Alzheimers has and will continue to rob him of. Today he turns 58.
Alzheimer's is known as #TheLongestGoodbye it is a curse and it is a blessing. We have a chance to say goodbye, to fix our wrongs and have no regrets, so many others do not.
Our nephew was tragically hit and killed on his motorcycle, one October night. In an instant, he and those left behind were robbed of everything, including a chance to say goodbye and look back without regret. My husband and I talked about this. We had just visited his grave a few days back.
I told Patrick that it is so sad that, in order to feel better about our situation, we are shown others and we try to think they have it worse, and want to find comfort in that...although I actually don't feel comfort at all, just more heavy in my heart if I dwell on it long enough. Like I say, the pill of perception is easily swallowed.....it's a dose of reality we tend to choke on. The reality is the life we are living.
I can't stop what is happening. I can just be there for my husband and I can boldly ask for you all, to be there for us.
I do not feel alone. This is important for anyone, especially during something so difficult as this walk to feel. But it wasn't always like this. Y'all see me break. But I get back up, pull the pieces of my heart together and carry on.
I have tried so many times to word, in my journal to share a moment that changed so much for me.
After the hospital, I saw a picture from social media. It was not so much of who was in the picture, but who was not, my husband.
I was hurt for him. That night I did not sleep a wink. I couldn't get seeing my husband the way I found him and all that I felt out of my mind, thinking I lost him. All of my imperfections and shame for having them flooded me, becauseall I felt I was not good enough for this beautiful man. All the things I wish I said, should have said or did or didn't do, ran through my heart.
He has been my other 1/2 for over 20 years. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you are about to die. I got a glimps of what it feels like to have a part of my life die, followed by the emotions of getting it back. I don't want to loose him. I can't control that. I don't want to regret anything, this I can control.
I felt so overwhelmed with what lay ahead and what was before me. I started thinking about that picture I saw, my husband not in that picture and the hurt turned to anger. My emotions were not in check. I wanted everyone to be there for him, to be there for me, but they were not. I didn't know how to stop focusing on who wasn't there for us.
So I turned to God. I needed Him to show me through His eyes.
The next morning I got a message from a friend, but it was more than that. This is her message:
Hey beautiful friend….
I so wish I would have still been there with you when you found Patrick unconscious. What a scare!
It was such a wonderful time to be there with you. Your ‘vision’ progressing and coming to reality is so inspiring, as is your creativity.
Thank You so much for sharing your ideas about my flight attendant persona. I may have to have you record some of that for me…. So fun. You are gifted, girl!
I left my boots in the truck 😳
I forgot eggs 😢
I forgot soap 🌊
I’m enjoying the Cosby book 👍🏼
I’ve come full circle, from Emory, to Houston, to Ledbetter, to Granbury, home last night.
So many people are asking what you need and how they can help. Maybe make a list of everything you can think of, from prayers to building new fences…. Throw it out there. I wish I had helped you more, with cleaning the workshop or something. We had fun just chillin’ on the porch, but I would be happy to get my hands dirty and use some muscles. I’m stronger than I look, lol.
I love you. I’m grateful for you. I’m here for you.
Smiles, Charla 🤠
Now, don't get me wrong. Friends and some of our family have offered to help and have (see pictures), but remember that picture I was angry about. What I fouced on. Suddenly my heart shifted.
What I was shown in my heart was that in my mind, they were staying away from us and it made me angry, But remember the pill of perception versus a dose of reality, Through Love He showed me the reality.
They are NOT staying away, He is Keeping them away!
I was not being hurt, I WAS being helped.
In an instant I saw the faces of every Friend and family member who have reached out and yes, I even felt the love of those who silently think of us with nothing but love, who have not said a word, but keep us in their hearts. ( yes I felt you 💜). I was gifted with the true understanding and gratitude, that,
It's about the people that are there for you, not about the ones you wish were.
What a burden to lay at the foot of this mountain and be able to use it as a stepping stone.
Caring for my husband hasn't made me stronger. It has made me wiser. The mountain I am climbing will take a lot of tools to reach the top. It will take friends, family, prayers and encouragement.
As I look up, I see nothing but hands, ready to reach out and pull us up, not because our circumstances have changed, nor those that have disappointed me, but because God has given me the heart to see it through His eyes, to see those that are there, not those that are not.
#WeWalkThisTogether and I will forever be grateful for those that think of us and are there for us, Holding my hand, helping, praying and sending nothing but love and light.
Carlene
#EarlyOnsetYoungAlzheimers
#EarlyOnsetAlzheimer #YoungerAlzheimer #Alzheimer #Alz
Patrick and his cousins who came out to help finish this for us. The pier that has sat unfinished for the last year.
